If she dies...I never said goodbye

I don't if it is related to "her" text showing up on the top of the list of my unread messages even though I have read it the very same day she sent if to me in October. I don't know if it means something good for me and "her". I don't know if it is telling me that I should forget about this new girl and just pursue "her" again and find ways to start over. I am not sure of anything anymore.

What I am sure of is that I am sad.

The new girl has been suspecting that something is wrong with her so she made an appointment with the Doctor. She didn't want to bother me about it but I know from her demeanor that there is something seriously wrong with her. For the past few days, she has been mentioning something like "hey I'm doing this and that while I still have time" or that "I will try this and that while I still can". Somehow, from all that, I think she is telling me, she is going to die soon.

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She didn't want to tell me. I begged for her to let me in so I can be with her during this time. She only said she doesn't want to bother anyone about her "secret" as she calls it. Her parents doesn't even know yet she said. I guess, I don't weigh more than her parents so I too, didn't deserve to know.

The only thing she said was that, the progression of her "secret" can be controlled by medicine. Which also means, it cannot be cured, only suppressed, which means it will depend on her ability to buy the medicine which makes it terminal.

I know I still love "her", although I am not expecting we will be back together for better or for worse.Beyond loving her, I don't know for sure anymore. I mean back then if you ask me will I take her back, the answer is yes, but right now, logic has settled in I guess.

I don't know, maybe "her" mom was right when she told me, I might have scared "her" off because i was really serious of settling down with "her" and she is thinking about her promising career. I don't know because, it's not like I was never supportive of her, I have always backed her up and if she really thought I was moving too fast all of a sudden after five years, all she needed to do was talk to me so I can slow things down. After all, there is nothing I would not understand about her. But like I said, this happened for a good reason.

I don't know if I saw that as my chance to get the hell out of the situation, but I know I'm starting to like this new girl.

But when she kept things from me by not telling me what is wrong with her despite the fact that I know she has no obligation to let me know or anything like that, I grabbed the chance to end things with whatever is going on with us. I means, I don't think we are intimate or something but I still like her somehow.

I never committed my self to her, I don't even know what we are but...

If she is really going to die....I never said goodbye to her.

What happened between me and "her" had to happen, what is happening now between me and the new girl must and have to happen. This is not because it is destined to happen, but because I am being taught something by this event, I am not sure what though because right now, I am so confused.

Maybe between me and "her" so we would realize how much we love each other so much and never part again, maybe so we wont have any more issues after we get back again.

Between me and the new girl, maybe because no matter how much I try, I can never replace "her" in my life.


P.S.

Can anybody tell me why when I am getting ready to move on, I am being drawn back to "her" again and again?


P.S.

In my desperation came my greatest paradox of all realization in life. In my eagerness to get "her" back into my life, I admit I will believe that vampires exist, if that is what it would take for us to be together again. I went and asked around if there is such thing as love potion #9 and believe you me, I was able to find one that could make things possible for me.

This dude was so into his craft that, he actually was able to tell me a lot of good things that could happen should I decide to go on with it. I am not an expert but from what I know, things like this have catch on someone, but that, he will take care of. He said a lot of good things including the possibility of me going @fifty shades of grey with her again. To me it sounded very very nice really and so I asked, will it be true love? he answered "would you know the difference?".

That made me think really hard because, truth is, I wouldn't know the difference really. We went on talking for a bit more and I revealed the details that my brain allowed me to remember about that happened to us which made him decide that I deserve this and for that reason, he is willing to things for me pro bono. He must have really thought I was the victim in this situation and he pitied me to the point that he would take whatever catch it would take just so things will be back for me and "her" again.

To me it sounded like a very good deal, I mean you know, I wont  have to shell out anything, and I would get back again with the girl of my dreams, my soul mate.

I didn't say anything for about a minute or two because I was waiting for him to say his "but wait there is more" line, but he didn't.

So I asked once again, If I will marry someone or be in a relationship with someone, what would be a reason acceptable to the heavens?

Is the reason "because I would be happy to marry her or be in a relationship with her" enough reason. Come to think of it, if I am not happy to marry her or be on a relationship with her, why the hell would I even be near her right?

I'm happy to marry her or be with her so I should right? It's the logical thing to do right?

he answered "yes" and then it suddenly hit me.

Getting married or having a relationship with someone is not about "me" being happy with it. It is about making "her" happy. It is about self sacrifice which is, what I am at the very core of my being.

I will marry "her" or who ever not because it will make me happy but because it will make "her" happy, I will be with "her" for the rest of my life not because it would make me happy but because it would make "her" happy, not the other way around.

Like in a few days it will be my birthday, my first time in a long time without "her". God I really would love it if we'd be back again on that day, I would be the happiest man alive. In a few days, it would have been our sixth year together, I will trade a year of my life for every minute that I can spend with her and I would be the happiest man alive. But my happiness will mean nothing, even to me, if she will not be happy. Everything I did, doing now, will do all boils down to making "her" happy.

Then he asked me, "do you want her back?"

I answered "I want her to be happy, regardless of whatever the hell it would make me in her life", even if it means not getting her back.

Then I left.

superstition to fruition

now who should i pursue?

I know I said that the blog before this could actually be the last blog for this thread. Well I just can't be helped, this has to be included for a reason I will reveal as I along the way with this one.

Anyways, Happy New Year to everyone, Welcome to my year, as I explained on the previous blog, this is my year so, I know only good things will come for me from this point on.

So there I was, trying to move on with my life and I was actually eying this girl that I bumped on, or chanced upon around the month of November if I am not mistaken. She's actually very pretty and charming, a very young nurse. Well anyways, after what has happened to me, I didn't know where to start or if I could even start moving on with my life. I was really hurt you know and was belittled by the very person I have come to love the most, which is still true up to this point. I mean I cannot take back my feelings for her, it's the same feelings really.

She knows this about my personality though, im the kind of person that whenever I get hurt or have been belittled by someone, I am the kind of person who does not only "get even" I'm the one who gets better. And she knows that I am the kind of person who dribbles with the other hand. I mean, if life was a basketball, I can't survive the entire game if i dribble with just one hand. I always have a back up plan, a fall back if you may all going towards the same direction. Assuring the I would get there no matter what.

So,enough about that part. This blog is about me moving on right. So there I was, not knowing if I still have what it takes to get a girl, disoriented but not clueless of course. I started stirring up a conversation. I will admit, it was hard at first because I was a bit rusty I mean, five years of being loyal to one girl not trying my craft well, it made it a bit rusty.

I said to my self, damn this girl is awesome I mean, she is actually. This event however made me ask my self, am i being unfaithful to "her" if I try to make a move with this girl. I mean would that make me a liar because after telling "her" I will always love her, here I am having my eye on this girl. Those questions actually remained unanswered.

And then here we are, talking like we have known each other for ages, laughing at each others punch line despite some of them being cliche's. It was really and awesome feeling all of a sudden. I really never thought I would giggle like that after what I have been through, but I did, with this new girl. So anyways, I really didn't expect this girl, this young, and me too rusty with my "craft" having this so much fun. Days turned to weeks and it became two months then it wasn't long when she admitted she is feeling something for me and although her original plan of getting married was like five years from now, she changed to three years and said please to me. Damn it, she said PLEASE! I didn't expect that because here I was, begging "her" to get back with me and here is this new girl telling me to consider her three year plan, with the word please.

well anyways, I really didn't feel like venturing into that area of conversation just yet so, I just brushed it aside like she never mentioned it. I am still enjoying my stay on my own turtle shell so to speak, just sneaking my head out every now and then so having a serious relationship isn't really something I would consider right now, although I wont deny going to when it really feels like "this is it".

This blog however, happened last night. She was about to go home so like the routine thins I would tell "her", I told this new girl to update me, because I wanted to make sure she gets home safe and sound. This is what I would usually tell "her" when she travels, that she text me even in the dead of night and let me know.

While this new girl was out so we were texting where she was and how the travel is going the whole nine yards, the weirdest of all weird things happened.

well I am not sure if there is a way, and if there is, I swear I didn't do anything to make it that way. I am talking about cellphone messages. Normally, the messages will appear by dates right. I mean, the newer message will be the ones on top of the older messages right? not the other way around.

Like I said, I was texting this new girl when all of a sudden, one of the messages this new girl send cannot be opened for some reason. I waited a bit and tried again several times but it really wont open. After trying for a good ten minutes or so, I finally decided to reboot my phone maybe there was something wrong with it so, I did.

When I turned it on, LOW AND BEHOLD! the top most messages supposedly the newest message was not from this new girl. What was now on top was the October 1, 2013 message sent to me by "her".

I was really shocked, I looked at it really hard before I opened it, read it several times before I decided to look at the date and it was a very old message from "her" and the new message from the new girl was buried deep into the archives of my old messages! I mean how the F@CK can that be?

With all my questions being left unanswered, here I was facing a new thing that needed interpretation. I mean, I am not a very superstitious guy but, come on, Of all other old messages that would come up on top, it was "her" message that showed up.

So what does it mean now? Is destiny telling me the answer to my question about feeling the guilt of being unfaithful to her despite promising to love her always? Am I being told by destiny to stop this adventure with this new girl? Hell I don't know.

Truth be told, I kinda like this new girl and I think she is a family material type, which is the one I am looking for. I know I will not find it hard to make things work for us, to love her that's what I am saying.

On the other hand, I still am very in love with "her" despite her disinterest with me, and that I wont mind getting back together with her and starting over.

One thing I realized is that, hell I still have the magic in me! I wonder if I can turn it into a book or something, what do you think?

But, I know what just happened on my cellphone has something deeper to it, I just don't know yet what it is.

P.S.

I need your help interpreters and card readers!

I guess the bottom line of all this is that, if I want to, just for the sake of having a girlfriend to replace her, I can have one in an instant, but the thins is, I don't want to because I am still so into "her", which she must not know just yet.