The pawn that I will not play

I told her dad, I want to get her back into my arms like things were before, so I swore I would do everything within my powers to fight for her and fight for my love for her. "Everything" I thought would mean everything, but it does not. Because there are somethings that even I cannot do even if it will guarantee that I will have her once again.

Swallow my pride for her?, that is easy, kill for her?, who, when, how, that would be my response but most likely I would start with the people involved in this situation. It may not be a very wise move but I know I can do it so clean that I wont be caught unless I will voluntarily confess which is the most likely thing I would do because I will take pride claiming it.

Those are easy things and I would have no seconds thoughts of doing it for her.

But I cannot pressure her into feeling something good towards me, I cannot guilt her into loving me once again.

The questions "where I was when she needed me the most" I cannot invoke, I can never ask.

Because I was there for her, always.

I was always there for her, 24/7 one could say. There was never a moment while she was still out that I didn't wonder how she was. Even when I acted stupid leaving her alone on the street one night because, well because I was being dumb. That never happened again because I know, it was just pure luck she got back home safely that night. I know that if I ever do that again to her, she may not be lucky like the first time and I will regret it for the rest of my life.

She may not have liked it at times but never did I fail to make sure she will never go hungry. Funny we even argued one night because she didn't want to eat dinner. My point then was, we don't eat breakfast and lunch together, dinner is the only time we can eat together so, she must not skip dinner for the sake of strict diet compliance. Petty argument really right but I know I am right. It still makes me smile every time I remember her saying she would tell on her mom that I was letting her go hungry.

I was there when she got sick, stayed up all night so I can make sure the wet towel on her forehead remaine
d fresh and cold. I am no doctor but I will do everything I possibly can, even donate my organs just so she can be spared, if that is what it would take so she can live longer. I would gladly do that even without being asked for it.

I was there for her even if her decision is something I really didn't like. Sure I will say my piece, but then when I am done, I put on a smile and go her way.

One might say, well, that's the problem, you never had a problem, you never argued. Well dumb ass, there are lots of things we could argue about like farting on the table while eating which I really hate, but I simply choose not to make an issue out of it. Why you ask? Well try this, we broke up because we argued over farting, isn't that, too, smelly apart from being a ridiculously funny reason to cause a breakup? Her snoring right next to my ears, I didn't like it but eventually it became music to my ears and to be honest, I miss it so much, so why do I have to make a big deal of that and argue about it just so we can have a "normal" relationship or the one where couple's argue.

I am here for her even as the things between us, well, even if we are in the situation that I hate the most. I cannot help it but be supportive of everything she decides to be good for her, even if it is not good for me at all. Love doesn't count nor compare, I have heard that so many times before during weddings. I was going to tell her that in public, had it been that we were able to reach that part of our relationship, but I am pretty confident, I have always shown that to her, even without telling her.

I didn't argue with her not because she is right about things all the time, hell, she isn't most of the time really lol, but I didn't argue simply because there is no point, I will give in anyways at the end of the day. Maybe one would see that as being a person with no back bone, well, if other people will tell me that, I will break their skull, fillet them using a butcher's knife, but when it comes to her, I am without spine. That makes me a superman and she, my krypton. A man of steel with everything else, but just thin sheet of paper when she is around, and she just trampled me and threw me away just like that. Like right now, people may see me smiling, laughing, working out and stuff but those are put on emotions, this is the real me, writing all these. A man who is persistent on her but on the brink of giving up on everything, even on life itself, but I don't want her to see me, not like this although I could really use some help from her right now, her palms perhaps on my face.


Where was I when she needed me the most?

I was there for her all the time and even during the time she didn't need me, I was just there right behind so she could lean on me.

Like what I am doing now. When she decided it was over for her despite the fact that it was not over for me, I am here behind her back supporting her by not meddling with her affairs. Sure I'm doing this and that but never did I interfere with her decisions in life. I am here right now stopping my self from looking for her, despite the pain and sorrow, I am leaving her alone just as she wished I would do, as much as I don't want to.

I witnessed her hair when it was short, God knows I deserve to see it as it grows longer. But I don't even know where she is, how she is, or how she looks like now.

I was there for her then, I am here for her now, and I will be here for her tomorrow.

That alone, should have made her think twice ab
out not giving us another chance.

Sometimes I can't help but ask my self, is she even thinking about me at all? Does she even wonder how I am doing like I always think about her every second she is away from me.
Is she happy with her life now? How can she be happy knowing the fact that I, her lover is dying out here. Well of course I want her to be happy, she has all the right to be, but come on!

After making me do this and that, any time even in the dead of night I would do stuff for her, sleep late for her power point presentation, wake up early so I can fetch her from somewhere or take her somewhere. What about all the sacrifices I made for her, they don't matter to her anymore? How can she take all these things so lightly? Does she even have a heart? or a conscience? A soul?


My bleeding heart asks what wrong have a done to her for her to treat me this way? Is this what I must get for being good to her and treating her right?

And since she is not there to answer me, I answer it my self.

I guess she just doesn't care. Which God damn hurts a lot, knowing what I had to go through to make things work for her.

But these cards, I cannot play and I will not play ever as I told her father, despite my deepest desire to do everything to have her back, I cannot play this card even if it would mean having her back again. But you may ask, why do I have to write about it if I don't want to play it, well, there is one in a gazillion times chance she would chance upon this blog anyway, and if by any chance she will read this, I am fervently praying, that....this will serve as a flint (not Flint Lockwood) that will spark something in her heart for me once again. But nah..f@ck it, she is not a sucker for romantic and happy endings I mean she's not the type.

I cannot guilt her or pressure her into loving me by asking the question,

Where is she now that I need her the most?

Funny because the last image Of her that I have, is not the moment we talked in the chapel, not when I hugged her and stole a kiss from after, not her face, not her lips, not her eyes, not her nose, not her hair.

It's her back, when she walked away from me.

I cannot guilt her into loving me I cannot play those cards, she must realize it on her own, that I was never there to hold her back and stifle her career or ruin her life or her plans.

She must realize on her own, that unlike everyone else, I will take a bullet for her, though I never shared a moment with her as a masiglaya. She can ask them one by one if anyone would dare to stop a bullet for her and if by some miracle there is somebody willing, I will take three more bullets for each one they are willing to take for her. That you can put me to the test anytime anywhere.

She must realize on her own that if there is any other man in this world that could equal if not surpass the love of her father for her, that would be me.

I AM THAT, I AM

This is the first time that I will be witnessing new year literally alone in the house. No relatives, no friends, no people around. I chose not to see my parents as today is their 43rd wedding anniversary because I am ashamed of my self. They know my ultimate dream was not to be a lawyer but a responsible family man, but how can I face them when they have kept each other for 43 years when I cannot even keep a relationship?

I guess this is the reason why I have always wanted to be in Batanes, because like this remote island, I was built to withstand the tough tests of time, ALONE in isolation.

However unlike the island, who's rugged shape has adopted, I am not sure how much I can still take. Depression and Isolation is not a very good combination that even people from coo-coo nests are aware of. Le deseo a morir after I am done teaching my self Spanish.

If miracles do happen, now is the time it should show. A simple text from her would be enough company for me this new year. Wishing for her to spend it with me would be pushing my luck to hard, right Mr. Wise Guy?

P.S.

I know this is my blog and I should not be explaining myself to anyone, but even I noticed that it seems that I am making her look bad here. It is not my intention. It's just that I got no one to talk to and this is just my frustrations, sadness, anxiety, depression, isolation, talking. But don't worry, I may have counted the stones, but I have yet to name them. She is not a bad person, she doesn't have a frozen heart, she will one day find it again in her heart that I am the one for her like she is the one for me.

By the way,I would like to thank the 505 readers (and counting) of my blog from all over the world, a small number but huge enough since the blogs were only up for a few days. Thank you!


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