If she dies...I never said goodbye

I don't if it is related to "her" text showing up on the top of the list of my unread messages even though I have read it the very same day she sent if to me in October. I don't know if it means something good for me and "her". I don't know if it is telling me that I should forget about this new girl and just pursue "her" again and find ways to start over. I am not sure of anything anymore.

What I am sure of is that I am sad.

The new girl has been suspecting that something is wrong with her so she made an appointment with the Doctor. She didn't want to bother me about it but I know from her demeanor that there is something seriously wrong with her. For the past few days, she has been mentioning something like "hey I'm doing this and that while I still have time" or that "I will try this and that while I still can". Somehow, from all that, I think she is telling me, she is going to die soon.

013108-091813

She didn't want to tell me. I begged for her to let me in so I can be with her during this time. She only said she doesn't want to bother anyone about her "secret" as she calls it. Her parents doesn't even know yet she said. I guess, I don't weigh more than her parents so I too, didn't deserve to know.

The only thing she said was that, the progression of her "secret" can be controlled by medicine. Which also means, it cannot be cured, only suppressed, which means it will depend on her ability to buy the medicine which makes it terminal.

I know I still love "her", although I am not expecting we will be back together for better or for worse.Beyond loving her, I don't know for sure anymore. I mean back then if you ask me will I take her back, the answer is yes, but right now, logic has settled in I guess.

I don't know, maybe "her" mom was right when she told me, I might have scared "her" off because i was really serious of settling down with "her" and she is thinking about her promising career. I don't know because, it's not like I was never supportive of her, I have always backed her up and if she really thought I was moving too fast all of a sudden after five years, all she needed to do was talk to me so I can slow things down. After all, there is nothing I would not understand about her. But like I said, this happened for a good reason.

I don't know if I saw that as my chance to get the hell out of the situation, but I know I'm starting to like this new girl.

But when she kept things from me by not telling me what is wrong with her despite the fact that I know she has no obligation to let me know or anything like that, I grabbed the chance to end things with whatever is going on with us. I means, I don't think we are intimate or something but I still like her somehow.

I never committed my self to her, I don't even know what we are but...

If she is really going to die....I never said goodbye to her.

What happened between me and "her" had to happen, what is happening now between me and the new girl must and have to happen. This is not because it is destined to happen, but because I am being taught something by this event, I am not sure what though because right now, I am so confused.

Maybe between me and "her" so we would realize how much we love each other so much and never part again, maybe so we wont have any more issues after we get back again.

Between me and the new girl, maybe because no matter how much I try, I can never replace "her" in my life.


P.S.

Can anybody tell me why when I am getting ready to move on, I am being drawn back to "her" again and again?


P.S.

In my desperation came my greatest paradox of all realization in life. In my eagerness to get "her" back into my life, I admit I will believe that vampires exist, if that is what it would take for us to be together again. I went and asked around if there is such thing as love potion #9 and believe you me, I was able to find one that could make things possible for me.

This dude was so into his craft that, he actually was able to tell me a lot of good things that could happen should I decide to go on with it. I am not an expert but from what I know, things like this have catch on someone, but that, he will take care of. He said a lot of good things including the possibility of me going @fifty shades of grey with her again. To me it sounded very very nice really and so I asked, will it be true love? he answered "would you know the difference?".

That made me think really hard because, truth is, I wouldn't know the difference really. We went on talking for a bit more and I revealed the details that my brain allowed me to remember about that happened to us which made him decide that I deserve this and for that reason, he is willing to things for me pro bono. He must have really thought I was the victim in this situation and he pitied me to the point that he would take whatever catch it would take just so things will be back for me and "her" again.

To me it sounded like a very good deal, I mean you know, I wont  have to shell out anything, and I would get back again with the girl of my dreams, my soul mate.

I didn't say anything for about a minute or two because I was waiting for him to say his "but wait there is more" line, but he didn't.

So I asked once again, If I will marry someone or be in a relationship with someone, what would be a reason acceptable to the heavens?

Is the reason "because I would be happy to marry her or be in a relationship with her" enough reason. Come to think of it, if I am not happy to marry her or be on a relationship with her, why the hell would I even be near her right?

I'm happy to marry her or be with her so I should right? It's the logical thing to do right?

he answered "yes" and then it suddenly hit me.

Getting married or having a relationship with someone is not about "me" being happy with it. It is about making "her" happy. It is about self sacrifice which is, what I am at the very core of my being.

I will marry "her" or who ever not because it will make me happy but because it will make "her" happy, I will be with "her" for the rest of my life not because it would make me happy but because it would make "her" happy, not the other way around.

Like in a few days it will be my birthday, my first time in a long time without "her". God I really would love it if we'd be back again on that day, I would be the happiest man alive. In a few days, it would have been our sixth year together, I will trade a year of my life for every minute that I can spend with her and I would be the happiest man alive. But my happiness will mean nothing, even to me, if she will not be happy. Everything I did, doing now, will do all boils down to making "her" happy.

Then he asked me, "do you want her back?"

I answered "I want her to be happy, regardless of whatever the hell it would make me in her life", even if it means not getting her back.

Then I left.

superstition to fruition

now who should i pursue?

I know I said that the blog before this could actually be the last blog for this thread. Well I just can't be helped, this has to be included for a reason I will reveal as I along the way with this one.

Anyways, Happy New Year to everyone, Welcome to my year, as I explained on the previous blog, this is my year so, I know only good things will come for me from this point on.

So there I was, trying to move on with my life and I was actually eying this girl that I bumped on, or chanced upon around the month of November if I am not mistaken. She's actually very pretty and charming, a very young nurse. Well anyways, after what has happened to me, I didn't know where to start or if I could even start moving on with my life. I was really hurt you know and was belittled by the very person I have come to love the most, which is still true up to this point. I mean I cannot take back my feelings for her, it's the same feelings really.

She knows this about my personality though, im the kind of person that whenever I get hurt or have been belittled by someone, I am the kind of person who does not only "get even" I'm the one who gets better. And she knows that I am the kind of person who dribbles with the other hand. I mean, if life was a basketball, I can't survive the entire game if i dribble with just one hand. I always have a back up plan, a fall back if you may all going towards the same direction. Assuring the I would get there no matter what.

So,enough about that part. This blog is about me moving on right. So there I was, not knowing if I still have what it takes to get a girl, disoriented but not clueless of course. I started stirring up a conversation. I will admit, it was hard at first because I was a bit rusty I mean, five years of being loyal to one girl not trying my craft well, it made it a bit rusty.

I said to my self, damn this girl is awesome I mean, she is actually. This event however made me ask my self, am i being unfaithful to "her" if I try to make a move with this girl. I mean would that make me a liar because after telling "her" I will always love her, here I am having my eye on this girl. Those questions actually remained unanswered.

And then here we are, talking like we have known each other for ages, laughing at each others punch line despite some of them being cliche's. It was really and awesome feeling all of a sudden. I really never thought I would giggle like that after what I have been through, but I did, with this new girl. So anyways, I really didn't expect this girl, this young, and me too rusty with my "craft" having this so much fun. Days turned to weeks and it became two months then it wasn't long when she admitted she is feeling something for me and although her original plan of getting married was like five years from now, she changed to three years and said please to me. Damn it, she said PLEASE! I didn't expect that because here I was, begging "her" to get back with me and here is this new girl telling me to consider her three year plan, with the word please.

well anyways, I really didn't feel like venturing into that area of conversation just yet so, I just brushed it aside like she never mentioned it. I am still enjoying my stay on my own turtle shell so to speak, just sneaking my head out every now and then so having a serious relationship isn't really something I would consider right now, although I wont deny going to when it really feels like "this is it".

This blog however, happened last night. She was about to go home so like the routine thins I would tell "her", I told this new girl to update me, because I wanted to make sure she gets home safe and sound. This is what I would usually tell "her" when she travels, that she text me even in the dead of night and let me know.

While this new girl was out so we were texting where she was and how the travel is going the whole nine yards, the weirdest of all weird things happened.

well I am not sure if there is a way, and if there is, I swear I didn't do anything to make it that way. I am talking about cellphone messages. Normally, the messages will appear by dates right. I mean, the newer message will be the ones on top of the older messages right? not the other way around.

Like I said, I was texting this new girl when all of a sudden, one of the messages this new girl send cannot be opened for some reason. I waited a bit and tried again several times but it really wont open. After trying for a good ten minutes or so, I finally decided to reboot my phone maybe there was something wrong with it so, I did.

When I turned it on, LOW AND BEHOLD! the top most messages supposedly the newest message was not from this new girl. What was now on top was the October 1, 2013 message sent to me by "her".

I was really shocked, I looked at it really hard before I opened it, read it several times before I decided to look at the date and it was a very old message from "her" and the new message from the new girl was buried deep into the archives of my old messages! I mean how the F@CK can that be?

With all my questions being left unanswered, here I was facing a new thing that needed interpretation. I mean, I am not a very superstitious guy but, come on, Of all other old messages that would come up on top, it was "her" message that showed up.

So what does it mean now? Is destiny telling me the answer to my question about feeling the guilt of being unfaithful to her despite promising to love her always? Am I being told by destiny to stop this adventure with this new girl? Hell I don't know.

Truth be told, I kinda like this new girl and I think she is a family material type, which is the one I am looking for. I know I will not find it hard to make things work for us, to love her that's what I am saying.

On the other hand, I still am very in love with "her" despite her disinterest with me, and that I wont mind getting back together with her and starting over.

One thing I realized is that, hell I still have the magic in me! I wonder if I can turn it into a book or something, what do you think?

But, I know what just happened on my cellphone has something deeper to it, I just don't know yet what it is.

P.S.

I need your help interpreters and card readers!

I guess the bottom line of all this is that, if I want to, just for the sake of having a girlfriend to replace her, I can have one in an instant, but the thins is, I don't want to because I am still so into "her", which she must not know just yet.

my vision, my passion, my purpose in life

This is probably the last post on this thread of blog so I want to thank all the readers who looked for this blog or merely chanced upon it. I hope you enjoyed the events of my life it you cheap bastards! lol.

Well anyways, again thank you so much! I never talked to anyone about my situation but right now, I think the whole world knows! which is way cooler!

For those however who sees this for the first time today, just a suggestion so you wont get lost and stuff, start reading from the bottom blogs and read up until you reach this particular blog. But whatever makes you happy if you want to start here, well, be my guest!

Now this particular blog's aura may seem to be a bit lighter compared to the first four I wrote on this thread. Well let's just say that I bumped my head all of a sudden and I have discovered stuff that changed things for me.

Speaking of discovering stuff, for a very long time now, I thought I was born under the water lamb zodiac sign. Interesting thing is, that the zodiac calendar for the water lamb started the day after I was born so technically, although on the same year for the Gregorian calendar, I was actually still under the previous year which is the year of the horse. That being the fact, it is therefor, my year this new year which is the year of the horse and if you checked on the link on the blog before this one, me and her, we are actually 90% compatible with is each other and accordingly, it doesn't get any better than that so that percentile is supposedly a perfect match, but she doesn't have room for magical moments like that too bad!

Anyways, I was actually born on the year where many artists, geniuses, athletes, and leaders were born  well, some of them you may know, here they are:

Louisa May Alcott, Chopin, Davy Crockett, Ella Fitzgerald, Aretha Franklin, Sandra Day O'Connor, Rembrandt, Teddy Roosevelt, Sir Isaac Newton, @Barbara Streisand, @Cindy Crawford, Cynthia Nixon, @Denzel Washington, @Harrison Ford, @Jason Biggs, @Jackie Chan, Jerry Seinfeld, @John Travolta, Leonard Bernstein, @Oprah Winfrey, @Paul McCartney, @Rembrandt, @Ashton Kutcher, @Emma Watson, @Josh Hartnett,@ Katie Holmes, @Kristen Stewart, @Kobe Bryant, Genghis Khan (my favorite), Emperor Kangxi and Yongzheng of China’s Qing Dynasty

But anyways, just so things are clear with everyone, the man who wrote the four blogs before this is the same man doing this right now.

I still love her no doubt about that as I view love to be as constant as the law of gravity. We may not see it but it affects all of us, big or small, light or heavy, the same law of gravity applies.

I still want to be with her, if that is what the wise guy have prepared for us, I will have no complains about it, but I will not in any way, try what I have tried many times. I mean if we get back again, because I still love her and want her, and I'm still open to the possibility of ending up with her, that would be awesome! but if not, then f@ck it, it can't be helped. I'm done trying.

I still want to have a happy family with her definitely which is my, ultimate goal in life, to have a family. To be the best dad to my kids, and a better man everyday for my wife.

Speaking of family, I actually went to attend church yesterday and despite being raised a catholic and studying with nuns and priests I forgot that yesterday way the feast of the holy family. Now, there was my Buddha moment, funny because it was inside a catholic church.

Any how, I saw lots of family attending the celebration and for some reason, for the first time, I did not feel any envy or jealousy towards them. That particular moment, for the first time, it didn't enter my mind the regret of not having my own family because I waited in vain for someone. The message that I got from that vivid scene was the idea that, If I am very passionate about having a family, and that I know I am going to be what I have always wanted to be a.k.a. best daddy/best husband, then it doesn't really matter who I end up getting married with. I will have the family of my dreams regardless of who my wife is.

And, it made a lot of sense! For three months I have been waiting for her to comeback that I have lost sight of what I really wanted. I wanted a family of my own and if keep on looking for her or waiting for her to come back, then it is her that I want to have, not a family.

What I really want is a family, so, I guess I really don't need her for that.

I mean sure, if it is with her, it would be awesome I suppose I'm not sure at least not anymore I'm not. I know I will take care of her, treat her right, never hurt her, encourage her, support her in her career and all, provide for her, provide for the kids, make things work and the whole nine yards, even throw in hugs and kisses 24/7, that I am 1000% sure I will do. And all that, I can do too, to anyone who I will end up with!




My kind, is almost running out almost extinct because we have been hunted by women who wants a stable happy relationship lol.

But anyway, I am back on track, I know what I really want to be, What I really want to have, What I really have as a purpose in life. All I need now is someone who wants the same. I mean, name a girl who doesn't want to be treated right by her man! I don't think there is any! Well...maybe there is one...but hey.."not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore"! lol

P.S.

I wish you all the best and good luck!

The pawn that I will not play

I told her dad, I want to get her back into my arms like things were before, so I swore I would do everything within my powers to fight for her and fight for my love for her. "Everything" I thought would mean everything, but it does not. Because there are somethings that even I cannot do even if it will guarantee that I will have her once again.

Swallow my pride for her?, that is easy, kill for her?, who, when, how, that would be my response but most likely I would start with the people involved in this situation. It may not be a very wise move but I know I can do it so clean that I wont be caught unless I will voluntarily confess which is the most likely thing I would do because I will take pride claiming it.

Those are easy things and I would have no seconds thoughts of doing it for her.

But I cannot pressure her into feeling something good towards me, I cannot guilt her into loving me once again.

The questions "where I was when she needed me the most" I cannot invoke, I can never ask.

Because I was there for her, always.

I was always there for her, 24/7 one could say. There was never a moment while she was still out that I didn't wonder how she was. Even when I acted stupid leaving her alone on the street one night because, well because I was being dumb. That never happened again because I know, it was just pure luck she got back home safely that night. I know that if I ever do that again to her, she may not be lucky like the first time and I will regret it for the rest of my life.

She may not have liked it at times but never did I fail to make sure she will never go hungry. Funny we even argued one night because she didn't want to eat dinner. My point then was, we don't eat breakfast and lunch together, dinner is the only time we can eat together so, she must not skip dinner for the sake of strict diet compliance. Petty argument really right but I know I am right. It still makes me smile every time I remember her saying she would tell on her mom that I was letting her go hungry.

I was there when she got sick, stayed up all night so I can make sure the wet towel on her forehead remaine
d fresh and cold. I am no doctor but I will do everything I possibly can, even donate my organs just so she can be spared, if that is what it would take so she can live longer. I would gladly do that even without being asked for it.

I was there for her even if her decision is something I really didn't like. Sure I will say my piece, but then when I am done, I put on a smile and go her way.

One might say, well, that's the problem, you never had a problem, you never argued. Well dumb ass, there are lots of things we could argue about like farting on the table while eating which I really hate, but I simply choose not to make an issue out of it. Why you ask? Well try this, we broke up because we argued over farting, isn't that, too, smelly apart from being a ridiculously funny reason to cause a breakup? Her snoring right next to my ears, I didn't like it but eventually it became music to my ears and to be honest, I miss it so much, so why do I have to make a big deal of that and argue about it just so we can have a "normal" relationship or the one where couple's argue.

I am here for her even as the things between us, well, even if we are in the situation that I hate the most. I cannot help it but be supportive of everything she decides to be good for her, even if it is not good for me at all. Love doesn't count nor compare, I have heard that so many times before during weddings. I was going to tell her that in public, had it been that we were able to reach that part of our relationship, but I am pretty confident, I have always shown that to her, even without telling her.

I didn't argue with her not because she is right about things all the time, hell, she isn't most of the time really lol, but I didn't argue simply because there is no point, I will give in anyways at the end of the day. Maybe one would see that as being a person with no back bone, well, if other people will tell me that, I will break their skull, fillet them using a butcher's knife, but when it comes to her, I am without spine. That makes me a superman and she, my krypton. A man of steel with everything else, but just thin sheet of paper when she is around, and she just trampled me and threw me away just like that. Like right now, people may see me smiling, laughing, working out and stuff but those are put on emotions, this is the real me, writing all these. A man who is persistent on her but on the brink of giving up on everything, even on life itself, but I don't want her to see me, not like this although I could really use some help from her right now, her palms perhaps on my face.


Where was I when she needed me the most?

I was there for her all the time and even during the time she didn't need me, I was just there right behind so she could lean on me.

Like what I am doing now. When she decided it was over for her despite the fact that it was not over for me, I am here behind her back supporting her by not meddling with her affairs. Sure I'm doing this and that but never did I interfere with her decisions in life. I am here right now stopping my self from looking for her, despite the pain and sorrow, I am leaving her alone just as she wished I would do, as much as I don't want to.

I witnessed her hair when it was short, God knows I deserve to see it as it grows longer. But I don't even know where she is, how she is, or how she looks like now.

I was there for her then, I am here for her now, and I will be here for her tomorrow.

That alone, should have made her think twice ab
out not giving us another chance.

Sometimes I can't help but ask my self, is she even thinking about me at all? Does she even wonder how I am doing like I always think about her every second she is away from me.
Is she happy with her life now? How can she be happy knowing the fact that I, her lover is dying out here. Well of course I want her to be happy, she has all the right to be, but come on!

After making me do this and that, any time even in the dead of night I would do stuff for her, sleep late for her power point presentation, wake up early so I can fetch her from somewhere or take her somewhere. What about all the sacrifices I made for her, they don't matter to her anymore? How can she take all these things so lightly? Does she even have a heart? or a conscience? A soul?


My bleeding heart asks what wrong have a done to her for her to treat me this way? Is this what I must get for being good to her and treating her right?

And since she is not there to answer me, I answer it my self.

I guess she just doesn't care. Which God damn hurts a lot, knowing what I had to go through to make things work for her.

But these cards, I cannot play and I will not play ever as I told her father, despite my deepest desire to do everything to have her back, I cannot play this card even if it would mean having her back again. But you may ask, why do I have to write about it if I don't want to play it, well, there is one in a gazillion times chance she would chance upon this blog anyway, and if by any chance she will read this, I am fervently praying, that....this will serve as a flint (not Flint Lockwood) that will spark something in her heart for me once again. But nah..f@ck it, she is not a sucker for romantic and happy endings I mean she's not the type.

I cannot guilt her or pressure her into loving me by asking the question,

Where is she now that I need her the most?

Funny because the last image Of her that I have, is not the moment we talked in the chapel, not when I hugged her and stole a kiss from after, not her face, not her lips, not her eyes, not her nose, not her hair.

It's her back, when she walked away from me.

I cannot guilt her into loving me I cannot play those cards, she must realize it on her own, that I was never there to hold her back and stifle her career or ruin her life or her plans.

She must realize on her own, that unlike everyone else, I will take a bullet for her, though I never shared a moment with her as a masiglaya. She can ask them one by one if anyone would dare to stop a bullet for her and if by some miracle there is somebody willing, I will take three more bullets for each one they are willing to take for her. That you can put me to the test anytime anywhere.

She must realize on her own that if there is any other man in this world that could equal if not surpass the love of her father for her, that would be me.

I AM THAT, I AM

This is the first time that I will be witnessing new year literally alone in the house. No relatives, no friends, no people around. I chose not to see my parents as today is their 43rd wedding anniversary because I am ashamed of my self. They know my ultimate dream was not to be a lawyer but a responsible family man, but how can I face them when they have kept each other for 43 years when I cannot even keep a relationship?

I guess this is the reason why I have always wanted to be in Batanes, because like this remote island, I was built to withstand the tough tests of time, ALONE in isolation.

However unlike the island, who's rugged shape has adopted, I am not sure how much I can still take. Depression and Isolation is not a very good combination that even people from coo-coo nests are aware of. Le deseo a morir after I am done teaching my self Spanish.

If miracles do happen, now is the time it should show. A simple text from her would be enough company for me this new year. Wishing for her to spend it with me would be pushing my luck to hard, right Mr. Wise Guy?

P.S.

I know this is my blog and I should not be explaining myself to anyone, but even I noticed that it seems that I am making her look bad here. It is not my intention. It's just that I got no one to talk to and this is just my frustrations, sadness, anxiety, depression, isolation, talking. But don't worry, I may have counted the stones, but I have yet to name them. She is not a bad person, she doesn't have a frozen heart, she will one day find it again in her heart that I am the one for her like she is the one for me.

By the way,I would like to thank the 505 readers (and counting) of my blog from all over the world, a small number but huge enough since the blogs were only up for a few days. Thank you!


http://www.travelchinaguide.com/intro/social_customs/zodiac/compatibility-test.htm?u1=troy&u2=melanie&d1=1979-01-27&d2=1986-07-30

I discovered several ways that won’t get her back

That is not my original idea, I think some +Thomas Alba Edison  when he was asked what he thought about failing some seven hundred times before he was finally able to make the light bulb as we know it now work. He said, I didn't fail seven hundred times, I discovered seven hundred ways not to make a light bulb and when I was done with all of them, I was left with nothing else but the one that makes a light bulb works.

can't wait to hear this from her

Well anyway, there were several things I did after what happened to us. Believe you me, I have never read enough books about psychology, human behavior and self help like ever before. I have tried so many things but still I don’t have a working light bulb Mr. Edison. But don’t you worry, when I am done trying those that doesn't work to get her back, I am sure what I will be left with is the one that works!

Some of what I have read is to stay offline, create a space between us or something like that. Some suggested that I should not show that I need her because she might take advantage of it. Well if I really need her in my life, what is wrong with letting her know about it right? I mean, I take it that I cannot show my cards but to deny that I need her in my life, that part, I am not sure I completely agree.

Fact is, I tried a lot of things to try and get her back, and the fact is, right now, despite not doing anything physical, I am still trying to get her back.

How you ask?

I have been good so can I get my wish too?

Are you forgetting something, its Christmas right?  

So I am wishing!

I am wishing that she would text me, or call me or email me or ask someone to say something for me or to let me know where she is, how she is.

I am wishing that, some of our friends would use another number to text me anonymously her number so I can finally make contact once again. It is safe that way because I wouldn't

know the identity of the friend who sent me the number right?

I am wishing that when it is my turn to sign the roll, she would be there with me, like I have always dreamed of from the moment the two of us became a couple.

I am wishing that our friends +Louie Andrada and his wife would play Santa Clause and give us the gift of time together, or +aBBy Dayawen play cupid and ignite our love once again, or our lawyer friends to plea our case and our judge teachers to decide on our mock trial. Or maybe Ruth Mae can make sense of things for her, or for Andeng to tell her how they fix things between her and her boyfriend or Vida to tell her how it is a lot better to be with someone who loves you than someone else who is not time tested, or Lerma to tell her, you don't leave a wounded man behind so she would turn around, or Kangs Calde to tell her how to keep things intact even after a very long time, or for Philip Rivera to tell her, that tragedy is not losing a loved one, but having all the love you need and throwing it all away or maybe, just a maybe, Beryl whom she gives high regards, would tell her how hard it is to find someone who would not look you in the eye while telling a lie to you or someone that would sacrifice his own happiness for you, Maybe then she would realize that, our love is worth saving, it is worth another shot. Maybe perhaps Genesis "ngitit" to tell her, if the guy is not fighting for you, then he doesn't love you or if you don't fight for the man you claim you love, then you don't love him, you probably just got blinded by the shinny new object. Or the young Celeste Marie to tell her, that all it it takes is a commitment and everything will be okay even to two different persons.I never asked for anyone's help when I first tried to be with her, but clearly this time, I need your help friends.

Heck, I'd welcome any form of help even from random people, those beggars I spared coins with before, the blind man I helped walk across the street, the hungry man I bought siopao for, damn he was hungry the siopao fell on his hands because he was so excited to eat it, I need your help stranger!

I am wishing that, she would realize that I am still waiting for her to realize that I am still here waiting and that she would not be overtaken by anger, pride, or any negative emotions towards our past because that part is over now.

That the set back was just a set up for a COME BACK. That all she needs to do is...to say so and I will take her back no questions asked no if's and no but's.

I am wishing that we could start over because no matter what happened between us, she would always have me at hello.

I don't want things to be like what we had, because it sucked. If it hadn't, it would not have ended. So I wish she would learn the words, clean slate, tabula rassa, that it is possible to start over, so we can write new things, start over.

 I just love her so much that if I were to choose a woman in every lifetime, I will choose her every time, over and over again, even if I know, she will hurt me in the end, over and over again.

P.S.
If anybody who reads this knows who we are, please don't let her know. I don't want to look weak because of my love for her, despite that being the truth.

how much would be enough

That question keeps lingering on my mind. I know I did something, everything humanly possible to try and get her back but to no avail. I still don't have her back in my arms so I can hold her and kiss her like I did before. I still cannot hear her laugh, see her smile, hear her when she talks. Now, why is that? Is it because I still haven't done enough?

yup! she did!

As far as I know, I went to hell and back to try and her back. She burned down the bridges where we once stood. I rebuilt it over and over again and tried to fetch her form the other side so we can once more stand in the middle together. I went to her and even begged her to come back because I am willing to ignore everything that has happened. I honestly don't want to think that I am the victim but logic dictates that I was and logic dictates that I shouldn't be the one running after her, it should be the other way around. But for a while non of it really mattered to me. I went to her and initiated the reconciliation, even agreed to, you know, court her again despite not knowing the reason why I should.

Is going to hell and back for her not enough? What else could I have possibly failed or forgot to do? 

I have no idea.

Just recently I watched this movie the elevator girl on +YouTube , where the name of the character was really awesome @Liberty Taylor. Well this movie somewhat has a resemblance to my story. You know, things were going on pretty smoothly, they loved each other but then again one of them started to think it's not going to work, then eventually they broke up. 

One thing I liked about the story is how the people around them took a stand on things for both the lovers. They each had their contrasting take on the matter. All of them did what they could to prove what they believe is right. One of the Friends of the guy who was hell bent to break them up, made it a point to set up a date with this awesome girl. But his secretary, made sure that she did everything to give them both a second chance with each other, even going as far as setting up events that would lead them to meet up with each other, and so it happened.

This part of the story never happened to me. Sure they said stuff about, what she did to me was not fair and all, said something below the belt maybe, I don't know. None of them however tried to bring us together so we could talk or just see each other and maybe ignite something again. 

All they they told me to do, is to give her time and space and that in essence if i didn't give her the time and space, I would be the antagonist in her life. They all supported her even as they know she did something wrong. Well that is what you would expect from a true friend, I get that. They all said I have their vote of confidence, but none of them initiated something that could bring us back again. I not blaming them for supporting her, I kinda just wished they played a little bit of the cupid role for us.

I wish it is still not too late for some of them to do that not just for me, but for us. You know create a situation where we could meet or something, get trapped in the sand bar of +Camiguin damn I would a year of my life for every minute I can get to spend with her there. Maybe be placed on the hot spot with +Boy Abunda or +Wish Ko Lang  or +People Finder something I don't know. Maybe trap us "accidentally" inside the +Big Brother house! That would be really nice.

I know it will not guarantee that we would be together again after, but God knows I'd take what I could get even it is just a minute with her. That is how much I miss her and if that is how much it would take, I will do it in a split second.

P.S.

To anybody who can play cupid for us and actually bring us back together again, I will be honored to have you as the best man or maid of honor as the case may be! hahaha I am dead serious!

https://www.facebook.com/achilles.hellyeah

like the hell I care

a sonnet of me and you

It really doesn't make sense even to me honestly. I am what most people would call stupid hopeless romantic. Maybe they are right, maybe I really am supposed to live in crazy town or face the firing squad.

What am I talking about is that I am still so in love with her. even thought i got no emails from her,she hasn't texted me, no calls, even unfriended me on facebook well actually blocked and unfriended my friends too,  heck I don't even know where she is. crazy right? I don't hate her though, because the is not even close to what she actually did to cause all this, but of course, I too had a part i should be blamed for. Playing chess with domino because, well it's like fighting for someone who doesn't want you to fight for her. Did that makes more sense?

I have every bit of reason in this world not to even dare think about her. a "she who must not be named" sort of thing like tom riddle, because of the  really bad stuff she caused me. yup! +Harry Potter @Lord Voldemort level!

A friend actually gave me ten reasons why I shouldn't bother thinking about her, why I should not even dream that one day, we will be reunited and you know, have our happily ever after version of things. My friend, although not an +Ophrah Winfrey is really very good with coming up with the reason, the kind of friend who, almost always, I would listen to and trust with the moves that I have to make in life when I myself have no idea what to do.

There were ten reason that was given to me and I am sure, it was done not in haste, not based on hate or the mere attempt to make sense of things for me. I trust that if someone would read it, they would fall on the "he who has read it will follow it by the letter" curse. I say that because I am sure, it was a very very good and very very valid reason, or in this case, reasons not to want to be with her anymore.

I am saying I am sure because, I never actually read the reasons that was enumerated for me.

I just said, well i'l tell you what, I have known you as a friend for so long, and I would trust you with my life, I will listen to your voice as you give me directions if i were walking on a cliff blind folded. I know, what ever it is you wrote, are true, very well thought of, very convincing and most likely, without any loop holes. Now, I will add, 90 blanks on your enumeration, not because I think the reasons you came up with are not as convincing or not well thought of. Let's just assume for a while that given some more time, you can still come up with 90 more reasons, or even 200, or a thousand reasons more for me not to want her,you can list it there, but none of it will ever change the way I feel for her.

I never really bothered reading them. not because I am afraid I would be convinced by them reasons, I never read it simply because none of it matters to me, and it will never convince me not to love her anymore. I can read it, probably understand the words, but I just won't see what it is. Whatever the reasons were listed, like the hell i care!, I love her anyway.

True love I thinks this is what it is called. There can be no other name than love. Love is the source of everything that is good in life. Love will not hurt, love definitely will not hate.

The million dollar question is, why the hell ain't we together? beats me! I love her that's all that matters.

I am not trying to be a guru or something but hear me out on this.

What a person thinks is always what the person feels, but what the person feels is not always what a person thinks. What a person thinks, and eventually feels, is what is going to manifest.

Emotion, like love, happiness, or hate which are all constant like the law of gravity is actually something that we feel. Relationship on the other hand, is not born out of these emotions, it is something conceived in the mind, and in case of love, nurtured by it and expressed as a commitment.

If you think you hate someone, then you hate someone, then you feel it. If you think you love someone, then you love someone, then you feel it. If there is a conflict between the what the mind thinks and what the heart feels, the heart is always the victim.

I mean, one cannot feel hate for someone without thinking of hating that someone first. You only start to feel the hate, when you think about it. When your mind is thinking something else, then you don't think hate, then you don't feel hate. It only shows up when you start to think you hate the someone again. The same thing happens with love, when you think you love someone, then you love someone, then you will feel it, then you will manifest what you think. If things don't manifest, then it means you are not thinking about it that is why you are not feeling it, that is why it is not happening.

She doesn't feel she loves me because she doesn't think she loves me and that is what is manifesting. However when she will start to think she loves me, because of all the things we have had and could have, then she will feel the love for me again, then that is what is going to manifest eventually.

I don't know if i am making sense here. Well, I will try to make it a bit more simple.

Feel with you heart but create a relationship with your head and not the other way around. If you feel with your head, the it is logic, not emotion. If so, you will start thinking about compatibility, this and that, what other people would think, what it is in it for you or not, are you being fair or not to the person. True love which comes for the heart does not count if you have an evenly distributed love.

If you create relationship with your heart, then it will be tragic. You may not be able to fix issues because one get's angry all the time, damn, you may not even be able to talk things out because one would get hysterical all the time. Issues would show up always because of let's say, jealousy.

Where does mine come in on all this. well, I still believe that what you think is what you feel and what you think and feel is what will manifest. I am not saying one should ignore the other, no not at all. God made it that way for a reason so relationship should be created by the mind, emotions by the heart.

I think and feel that if she would only find time to think about how we loved each other, how great we were together, how great it would be if get back together, then that is what she would eventually feel, then that it what it will eventually manifest. Then we will back in each other's arms once again where +TwinFlames really belong.

I know I love her, and I feel it deep inside, and I think and feel that the day will come that we will be reunited, how it will manifest or as what, is not for me to worry about or even think of, but for God to put in place at the right time.

P.S.

Will someone start making her think about us! Please! Wise Guy as what she would call you!

https://www.facebook.com/achilles.hellyeah